We have all been there: you give your friends brilliant, level-headed advice on their careers and relationships, but when it comes to your own life, you’re an anxious mess making impulsive decisions. Why is it so easy to be wise for others but so hard to be smart for ourselves?

Psychologists call this the problem of the immersed self—getting trapped in your own immediate ego and emotions. The solution, backed by fascinating new research, is the distanced self. It isn’t about dissociating or becoming cold; it’s about using specific cognitive tricks to view your life from the outside.

The distanced self is a scientifically-proven mental strategy that transforms how we handle money, trauma, and high-stakes pressure. By creating psychological distance from your own perspective, you gain access to the same wisdom you effortlessly offer others. The results are often counter-intuitive and remarkably powerful.

Here are 10 mind-blowing takeaways on how the distanced self changes the game.

Distanced Self vs. Immersed Self: Key Differences

10. The Distanced Self Uses Third-Person Self-Talk—And It’s Genius

We usually associate people who refer to themselves by their own names with massive egos or reality TV villains. However, research on the distanced self suggests that “illeism”—the practice of speaking about oneself in the third person—is a powerful cognitive tool. When NBA superstar LeBron James famously announced his decision to leave Cleveland, he said, “I wanted to do what’s best for LeBron James.” While he was mocked for it, he was instinctively using the distanced self technique.

Switching from “I” to your own name or “he/she/they” helps you effortlessly transcend your default, egocentric perspective. This simple linguistic shift forces your brain to process your situation as if it were happening to someone else, significantly lowering anxiety and improving emotional regulation. The distanced self turns what looks like narcissism into a shortcut to wisdom.

9. The Distanced Self Powers the “Batman Effect” for Peak Performance

If you want to persevere through a difficult task, the distanced self suggests wearing a cape—metaphorically, at least. Researchers found that when children were given a hard task and asked to imagine themselves as a character like Batman, they performed significantly better than those who stayed in their own heads.

This isn’t just child’s play; it’s the distanced self in action through what’s called “adopting an alter-ego.” By stepping into a persona that embodies the traits you need (persistence, bravery, calm), you detach from your own insecurities. Whether you channel a superhero or a mentor like Nelson Mandela, the distanced self allows you to bypass your own baggage and access a determination you didn’t know you had.

8. Your Distanced Self Can Prevent Disasters (Your Immersed Self Crashes Planes)

The immersed self doesn’t just make us anxious; it can be deadly. In 2013, the pilot of Asiana Flight 214 crashed a Boeing 777 while attempting to land in San Francisco. Psychological analysis suggests that the pilot, under the stress of evaluation, became trapped in his immersed self. He became so fixated on how he was landing the plane (to protect his reputation and ego) that he failed to ask the more critical question: should I land this plane?

When we are immersed, our mental resources shift from solving the problem to defending our identity. This tunnel vision blinds us to obvious dangers. The distanced self acts as a circuit breaker, stopping the ego from hijacking the controls during a crisis. It’s the difference between survival and catastrophe.

7. The Distanced Self Doesn’t Make You “Nicer”—It Makes You Ruthlessly Rational

We tend to assume that the distanced self makes us more charitable or fair-minded. However, a surprising study using the “Dictator Game” revealed the opposite. When participants used distanced self-talk (referring to themselves by name) while deciding how to split a pot of money, they actually kept more money for themselves compared to those using “I” statements.

Why? Because the distanced self promotes rational self-interest. In a zero-sum game where giving money away has no benefit, the “rational” economic choice is to keep it. While the distanced self can make us cooperative in group settings where collaboration pays off, in isolation, it helps us strip away guilt and social pressure to make the decision that maximizes our own utility. It turns out the distanced self is a cold, calculating strategist—not an emotional pushover.

6. You Can “Hack” Your Career With the Distanced Self “Replacement” Technique

In 1985, Intel founders Andy Grove and Gordon Moore were paralyzed by a business crisis. They were emotionally attached to their memory chip business, even though it was failing. Grove finally broke the deadlock by using the distanced self through a simple question: “If we got kicked out and the board brought in a new CEO, what would he do?” Moore replied, “He would get us out of memories.” Grove said, “Why shouldn’t you and I walk out the door, come back, and do it ourselves?”

This is the power of the distanced self’s “Replacement” perspective. By imagining they were someone else—specifically, someone with no emotional sunk costs—they were able to save the company. You can use the distanced self too: when stuck, ask what your replacement would do on their first day. The answer is usually painfully obvious once you remove “you” from the equation.

5. The Distanced Self’s “Fly on the Wall” Technique Stops Emotional Spirals

When we recall painful memories, we usually “relive” them, seeing the event through our own eyes and feeling the same sting of embarrassment or anger all over again. This keeps us trapped in a loop of suffering without learning anything new.

The distanced self offers a fix through spatial distancing. Visualize the memory as if you were a “fly on the wall” or watching it on a movie screen. This shifts your brain from reliving to reconstruing. From this distanced self perspective, you can analyze the motives of others and understand the context without being flooded by the original emotion. The distanced self transforms a painful scar into a neutral data point you can actually learn from.

How to use the “Fly on the Wall” technique: Close your eyes and recall the painful memory. Imagine you’re floating above the scene, looking down. Visualize yourself as a character in a movie you’re watching. Observe what happened without judgment, like a researcher. Ask: “Why did [Your Name] react that way? What were they trying to protect?” You’ll shift from emotional reliving to analytical understanding using the distanced self.

4. The Distanced Self Bridges the Gap to Your Future Self

Why do we procrastinate and fail to save for retirement? Brain imaging studies reveal a startling reason: when we think about ourselves ten years from now, our brain patterns look the same as when we think about a total stranger. We literally lack empathy for our future selves.

Jeff Bezos used the distanced self technique called “Time Travel” (or temporal distancing) to quit his Wall Street job and start Amazon. He projected himself to age 80 and asked what he would regret. This mental time travel—a core function of the distanced self—bridges the gap, allowing you to view your current stressors (like a lost annual bonus) as trivial while highlighting what truly matters in the long run. The distanced self gives you the gift of perspective across time.

3. The Distanced Self Wins High-Stakes Negotiations

William Ury, a negotiator who has worked on nuclear protocols, uses the distanced self through a visualization technique called “The Balcony.” When negotiations get heated and personal, he mentally steps out of his body and stands on a balcony overlooking the room.

This spatial version of the distanced self allows you to see the interaction as a performance or a chess match rather than a personal attack. It moves you from a reactive state (defending your ego) to a proactive state (observing the dynamics). By activating the distanced self and becoming the observer, you gain the “spaciousness” required to find a solution that the people fighting on the floor cannot see.

2. The Distanced Self Acts as a Neurological Painkiller

You might think “heartbreak” is just a metaphor, but your brain disagrees. Neurological research shows that social exclusion activates the exact same brain regions as physical injury. In fact, Tylenol has been shown to reduce social pain just as it reduces a headache.

However, unlike a cut on your finger, emotional wounds can be reopened endlessly through memory. The immersed self keeps ripping the scab off. The distanced self acts as a neurological anesthetic. By shifting your language or perspective using distanced self techniques, you stop the “replay” loop that causes the brain to fire those pain signals, allowing the emotional injury to finally heal.

1. The Distanced Self Solves “Solomon’s Paradox”

We are all victims of Solomon’s Paradox: the ability to reason wisely about other people’s problems while being foolish about our own. We know the right answer, but our emotions block us from acting on it.

The distanced self bridges this gap. When you ask, “Why is [Your Name] feeling this way?” instead of “Why am I feeling this way?”, you activate the distanced self and trick your brain into processing your own life as if it were a friend’s problem. The distanced self allows you to access the same sophisticated advice-giving software you use for everyone else, finally letting you benefit from your own wisdom.

The distanced self isn’t about being cold or detached from reality—it’s about gaining the perspective you need to make better decisions, heal from pain, and unlock the full potential of your own mind. By mastering distanced selftechniques, you can finally become as wise about your own life as you already are about everyone else’s.

Distanced Self Techniques: Quick Reference Guide